I torture myself. I know. Its toxic. I can’t stop it. I spend all my time waiting for a break that will make it okay. Its always hard at the end of the day. I feel as if I’m failing my daughter and she still has three months to go. My silent rebellion has me building this wall trying to keep everyone out. This madness makes me believe that this sadness bringing me to my knees is well deserved. I don’t know where to run anymore. I thought Sofia was my second chance to feel good enough. I am so scared she won’t be happy because of me. I am trying to find some peace tonight but its so far away. I feel so close to wreckage. I don’t know where to find comfort. I thought I’d make up for all that I lack with my angel. Its clear to me how bad of a mother I already am. I don’t know how to describe this endlessness that I feel. I am miles away from someone who is ten steps away in his 5th dream. I want to feel comfort. I want someone to tell me its okay. Its over. Its done. To just stop it. But this dark demon just keeps following me. Everywhere I go he’s there, watching me, that’s all, just watching me. All I can think of is him on my back. Thinking it would never end. Thinking I would be dead soon. Made it easier to breathe. Dying in a span of three minutes and losing everything. Trying to make excuses as to why this was happening, why I was so far from sleep. What did I do to him? I just wanted to live. It was just me and him on my back. All I did was sing as he buttoned down his pants. Its really kind of funny things you think in times like these. As stupid as it sounds all I want tonight is to believe in angels. To feel myself pulled from that wreckage, to be in the arms of an angel. To find some comfort there. I am just so tired of all the vultures on my back. This storm just needs to pass. I need to escape one more time. If not for myself for her. I have to let it all go. She deserves it. She saved me in a way I can never explain. All I want is my baby to be here. To do everything right and give her what I didn’t give myself, life and happiness. But I also want to live…

Upham Hotel in Santa Barbara ! best breakfast view ever .